# Illinois, bad luck and a head wound. A story.



## Kelly Johnson (May 22, 2005)

I once lived in Illinois for a short time and was so excited to get to hunt as a resident I cold hardly contain myself. The Bowhunting angels were on my side THIS year.

I was lucky enough to get into Allerton Park. 2200 acres of wooded heaven that was gifted to the U of I 50 years ago and hadnt been hunted until the prior year after 3 joggers were chased by swollen necked Casanovas looking for love in all the wrong places and one guy getting gang raped by a pack of rutting whitetails who thought his biking hot pants were indeed, very hot.

So I draw Oct 24-30th and Im giddy as a schoolgirl getting ready for prom. 

I have the spot, I have the gear, I have all my ducks in a row and this is going to be my season to smoke a P&Y world class Mega Buck. Id seen pictures from the previous season and no less than a dozen deer over 160 were taken and 1 a beauty 16 point that scored 198 and changeI tinkled on the floor.

Oct 23 I started feeling a little sick-ish but ignored it completely. The weather was bad. Cold, rained like crazy the 22nd and 23rd and turned to ice that night. EVERYTHING had ½ sheath of ice.

Morning of I cant remove the smile with a hammer even though I aint in the best shape. I have some serious lower bowel issues and my stomach is a turning inside out pretty regularly but I only have a week and by God Im getting to the dream land.

I head out at a million Oclock and its slick. Real slick. The roads are evil even for a Michigander and there are more cars in the ditch than on the road. I spent 100% of the 35 minute trip (turned to an hour) in 4wd and 40% on the shoulder or in someones yard. Mostly backwards or sideways. The ice has claimed everything.

I get to my spot and park, climber, bow, headlamp, safety harness.check check check lets get it on.

My climber is scaring me on the way up. Everything is iced like a glazed doughnut and Im feeling increasingly like I may yakI can shoot first and yak later.

I get to the top and get settle in to wait for dawn. Than I throw up.

I can hang. It passes and the sun starts to crawl over the ridge. I see some movement and grab the Binos.un-freakin believable. Hes a mainframe 10 thats far and away the biggest deer Ive ever seen in the woods. He gets to about 40 yards and my nausea returns. My mouth starts to water and swallow it away trying to wait for him to come into range.

30 yardsvitals behind a tree and one step and hes as good as above the fireplace with a great story of fighting through the elements and sickness to trick this wary wizened monster buck to falling to my incredible hunting prowess.than I yak. It nearly hit him.
I feel like crying but cant because I just hurled every bit of moisture left in my body but I sure as hell need to get out of here because this AINT workin today. Ive blown it in the first hour of the first day.

I lower my gear and start the descent. As I sit down for a second about 4 feet into my declination to hurl again I see it as if its in slow motion.the bottom of my climber doesnt quite catchhanging in mid air by the strap thats not knotted tight enough.it slips.and crashes to the base of the tree taking the express lane due to the 6 of ice covering every damn thing in this God forsaken woods.

I breathe deepNo problem. Ill just bear hug the tree and slide down. Grip it real tight and nice and easy down to the bottom. I get all set and have a ferocious grip and look up at the seat of my climberhow the hell am I going to get it down?

AhhIll give it a little nudge and itll follow me.

I land at the base of the tree in .003 seconds and somewhere along the trip Ive crapped my pants. I land on my butt so hard it knocks my wind out and I see starsthan Im walloped in the head with the climber and dont remember anything for a little while.

I wake up and my left eye glued shut in frozen blood. Im bleeding, puking and I have soiled boxers and feeling pretty poorly at this minute. I sit up and the blood flows freely from my head.

I look around to try to get my bearings to the nearest road and quickest route to my truck and there stand that buck. Not 20 yards out just staring at me. 

I make a snowball and whip it at his head.

I leave everything and make my way to the roadIm relieved when I hear a car coming as Im leaving a copious bloodtrail and Im not sure how bad the gash on my cranium is.

The car comes around the corner and I see its a woman in her 50s or so alone. I wave and our eyes meetthan she crashes off into the ditch and into a tree. I go over to help just as she throws it in reverse and backs out doing a 180 that would make Bow and Luke Duke enviousapparently I look pretty rough and shed gone.

I take the road back toward my truck and have fashioned a makeshift bandage from my knit hatthe bleeding has subsided somewhat but Im feeling pretty weak, tired and I smell like poop. Than I yak again.

½ a mile left to get to my truck and the DNR rolls by and stops to give me a lift. Hes very concerned for me but I see we see the wound has almost stopped bleeding now. It looks like the top half of an egg is glued under my skin with an angry jagged red slash across the top. He kinda chuckles as he drops me off and tells me hell go get my gear for me. Than I yak again.
He returns my gear and makes sure I feel ok to drive and as hes about to leave I can tell hes trying to find words but strugglingthan he asks,  I know youre having a hard day but I have to askdid you drop ass in my truck?

I went home and went back to bed still dreaming of a buck. Sometimes I still dream about him.


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## November Sunrise (Jan 12, 2006)

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. This reads like the account of the guy who overdid it at the buffet line at Ryan's.


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## WMU05 (Oct 16, 2004)

:lol: LOL! I hope I never have a day in the woods 1/2 that bad.


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## FYRE926 (Dec 31, 2000)

The fact that you lived to tell the tale is as valuable as bagging the buck. Bottom line this is one of the funniest stories I've seen lately. Glad you lived through it!


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## michigandeerslayer (Oct 24, 2004)

Man I feel for yeah, that was so funny, but indeed sad..... Man that has to be awful you have the ba**'s to go out in that kinda weather ,puking, using a climber in that kinda weather, and having the strength to make it out of the woods....If tapping cloth is the worst thing that happened to your pride, god bless you man... Cause that takes a true hunter to go out and deal with that... But it was funny:lol::lol:


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## bigfun (Mar 6, 2007)

How did your evening hunt go?


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## SPITFIRE (Feb 10, 2005)

please tell me you made this up! true or not funny as hell.


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## newaygogeorge (Aug 16, 2006)

I did laugh and cry but sure am glad you lived to tell the story, 
better days ahead kelly johnson!


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## Kelly Johnson (May 22, 2005)

Thanks guys.
I'm the guy that laughs when people trip on the stairs...I laugh telling the story now but I feel lucky my only scars are gouged into my subconcious. Not visible to the naked eye.

1. There's a big maxi-pad in my hunting kit now. Ya know. For wounds:wink:

2. I always check the connector straps from base to seat of my climber like rainman...definitely tied tight, it's definitely not coming loose, definitely not.

I do get some queries as to why my connectors are nothing but a series of 2" rope braided together, burned and knotted every 6" with duct tape and super glue along every knot. It took a while to "break it in" as the first time after the Allerton hunt I had to struggle enough to sweat to stretch it out to stand up. When I relaxed the base came up so quick, as if on a slinky, it nearly launched me into the canopy.(there's GOTTA be a market for a self propelled climber out there)

3. I carry ammodium AD in a pez dispenser, Pepto in my flask and every pocket of my hunting coat has a roll of toilet paper in it.

Other than that I'm your normal every day whitetail obsessed bowhunter


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## QDMAMAN (Dec 8, 2004)

ROTFLMAO!!!!
Man I'm glad your on my team.
I've got a couple of stories myself but there is NO WAY they can compete with this tale.
Maybe it's time for a "crappy story" thread.

Big T


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## Socks (Jan 8, 2007)

People at work think I'm a little off center and now they think it even more after I sat here laughing out loud while reading the story of a hardcore hunter! :lol:

Glad you made out. My favorite line was "I go over to help just as she throws it in reverse and backs out doing a 180 that would make Bow and Luke Duke envious":lol::lol::lol::lol:


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## November Sunrise (Jan 12, 2006)

QDMAMAN said:


> I've got a couple of stories myself but there is NO WAY they can compete with this tale.


Until reading this account I must confess that I had developed some pride in having taken the boys out a couple of times after Christmas in '05 when I was under the weather - at the time I kind of thought of myself as one tough hombre. I even spent several of those days moaning and groaning on the couch and demanding sympathy from my wife, as all good husbands are obligated to do. In retrospect, my level of sickness probably wouldn't have even merited a mention from her if she had been the one stricken (when she gets sick she handles it with a little more decorum than her husband). However, I've never experienced anything that could compare to Kelly's testimony of determination and valor. One would be hard presed to find a hunt that demonstrates a more pure combination of commitment and misery. 

Kelly = . And I mean that sincerely. You da man!


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## DTrain (Mar 16, 2005)

Great story!


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## kbotta (Sep 20, 2004)

:SHOCKED: WOW Kelly. just...wow...


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## buckdog (Nov 4, 2005)

Kelly- my grandma always told me to never make fun of people like you, said God don't like it. I mean... were you one of those that road the short bus? Or like my son says, a window licker? ...kidding!


Great story- LOLROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!


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## wolverine301 (Dec 21, 2005)

I think I will try "yaking" around my blind this year to see if it bring in a main frame 10...maybe you should bottle that stuff and sell it as an attractant...


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## BowtechGuy (Jan 5, 2007)

My *ex* girl friend (did not hunt in reference to my hunting decisions) claimed that there was a fine line between being a hunter and toughing the conditions no matter what and then crossing that line into the realm of stupidity.....

I have not found that line yet which is probably why's she is an ex...

By no means do any of my stories even compare to your's kudas to your perserverance!


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## rzdrmh (Dec 30, 2003)

that, my friend, was the _best_ post of the season. thanks for the laugh. 

you're all right, kelly...


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## dtg (Jun 5, 2003)

Now _*that's*_ dedication!!!!!!:lol:


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## Creek-Chub (Apr 15, 2004)

Oh man. I'll tell you - its is very, very rarely that I actually laugh out loud when reading or watching something, but when I got to the part about the lady swerving into the ditch to avoid you, I busted out. Well written, and boy, do I feel for you!


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